Hello, my little lightbulbs!
How’ve you been since we last spoke? It’s not been too long, has it? There’s a change in the waters perhaps, a more consistent Jess could be floating just around the corner. I truly hope so. Every time I come to this blog, stitch my words together, and feel that I can help to bring a small light to someone else’s life – I feel my soul sparkle.
Continuing on from my last post, If You’ve Lost Your Spark, I’ve been paying close attention to how to get back to me. Or to become acquainted with a new version of myself if she’s metamorphosed in secret. One of the things that I’ve been doing lately, that I didn’t realise I was doing until listening to Florence Given’s podcast episode, is romanticising my life.
This is something that I have always done; at my lowest and highest. I remember looking through old journals a while back and finding a book from a very dark time. There was a passage of reflection, where I was processing something horrible that had happened. At the end of that passage, I wrote ‘some good things today: I saw a cat and the sun was shining!’.
There were many similar passages; ending with lists of varying lengths -focusing on exceptionally specific blessings and points for gratitude. When I read this passage, I remember crying. I was so upset at first. The only good things younger Jess could find that day was a cat walking the streets and the sunshine; she’d clearly scoured her mind – desperate to find something to hold on to. A buoy in the sea of darkness. And she did it.
I read more entries. Day after day, week after week until those lists became a lot longer and eventually disappeared – embedded in the mind instead. This then gave me hope. That in this exceptionally dark time – where I was living in constant fear and isolation – I was hunting for that light, the joy, something to smile about and be grateful for. In focusing on that light, I found it, and attracted more and more until my whole life became a lot less dark and beautiful radiance became the norm.
Now, as much as I love Florence Given, I need to give credit where it’s due. ‘Tis my darling mother who introduced me to looking for the positives everyday. I had a hard time when I was in school and would come home, launch my bag on the floor, and sulk. I would complain and cry to my mum about all the cruel things people had said to me and lament about my weirdness. After hearing me out, my mum asked me a very poignant question. What was one good thing that happened today? I remember being defensive at first. But then I thought on it and answered; I had gotten a difficult question right in science and felt really good about myself.
This was then our pattern. I’d get home – slumped and deflated – and my mum would ask me what good things had happened that day. I’d still get to vent about the bad stuff and there were times I’d get annoyed at her question, but slowly and surely I was building resilience in my mind. I was learning that no matter how horrific a day is – there is always some good mixed in there and that deserves attention and reflection too.
So, without actively realising it until hearing Florence Given talking about romanticising incense sticks and leaving laundry on the floor when you get a shower, I have started to focus on the good things happening in my life. The smaller the better, because then there are more to count!
Like the other day, I was journaling. I could have just jumped on the couch and scribbled some ideas down. Instead, I decided I had time to get a bath first and changed into comfy pjs. Instead of the couch, I grabbed my bean bag. I turned on the fairy lights and lit some candles in the living room; then I sat for a good hour, with Spooner nearby, coiled into the beanbag scribbling my thoughts into my journal- fully aware of how beautiful and special this time was. I’d turned something that could be viewed as mundane into a magical ritual in my jasmine-smelling sanctuary. How beautiful, too, that I could recreate this scene as often as I wanted.
My first day back to work; I got in early and walked to the Docks to try out a new bakery – Rough Handmade. It was quiet when I got there and I picked up a chocolate chip croissant and a ordered a green tea. I journaled and tucked into what is the largest croissant I have ever eaten, and most delicious. It was still warm from the oven. The music in the bakery was low, playing French jazz and soft pop. Bliss.
Walking back to work, I caught the pink sky of sunrise. Double bliss.
Then, last weekend; I had a slow morning, drank loose leaf tea and, when I was ready, walked down to the farm shop. I didn’t write a list and grabbed one of every fruit or vegetable that I fancied, focusing on variety. I ended up with a kiwi, apple, raspberries, blackberries, peppers, onions, kale, sugar snap peas, sage, mint, carrots, mushrooms, tomatoes, potatoes, a lemon and lime, and local honey. Walking back, I was brimming with excitement about what I could cook with all of these ingredients.
I could’ve just ordered an online food shop. But I didn’t. I gave myself the opportunity to be mindful, to be present and to be grateful that I live within walking distance to a farm shop. That I can buy all sorts of colourful and nutritious fruits and veggies. That I have the ability to cook amazing food with said fruits and veggies. That I, gasping for breath under the weight of a full-to-the-brim leopard-print tote that a friend and I haggled for in Istanbul, had the strength in my legs to carry me. That I could feel the burn in my lungs of the cold winter air. That I have a quiet home, full of all of the things that make me, me, and a cat that is full of love, to return to.
Perspective is a powerful thing. It’s also one of the few things in life that we can control.
In a narrowing focus on the needs of other people, the neglect of myself, worries about money and illness, of career stress – I had forgotten, ever so gradually, the beauty that exists in the cracks and crags of the everyday.
Singing in the car to work; watching the green tea bag concentrate in a mug of boiling water; saying hi to the students; listening to how their week’s been and relishing the relationships we’ve forged over months; check-in texts with friends and family between lessons; scuttling out at break time to get some fresh air; the ‘durrrring!’ of Duolingo when you get an answer right; the soothing unravelling of your mind as you put pen to paper in your journal; the warmth of a cat and the soft sound of his purr; the warm glow of fairy lights you repurposed from Christmas; the singing of harmonised herbs in a home-cooked meal, the shuffle of sheets as you slip into bed. All of these tiny things and a gazillion more are life itself.
‘Life is something which happens while we’re waiting for something else’ as Allen Saunders said, or as Lennon edits ‘Life is what happens to you while you’re busy making other plans’.
So if you’re like me and you’ve been a little bit distant from yourself, or if life is feeling a little greyed out for you at the moment – maybe give this a try. Take Momma Linda’s advice and name some good things that happen today. Zoom in and be specific. Did someone smile at you while you were walking? Did someone make space for you to join the motorway? Did someone make you a brew without you asking? Do you have a favourite mug, hairband, belt, pair of socks, pen that you could use today to give you that little boost? How are you reading this blog right now, on your phone? Have you looked at your wallpaper screen properly lately? Where are you sitting? What’s the lighting like? Do you have any snacks? If so, may I have one of your snacks?
I hope that you have a beautiful day, we’re on this journey together. I’d give that episode of Florence Given’s a go as well.
Let me know what you think and let me know how you’ve romanticised your life today?
Stay Postive.
Love,
Jess x
AKARUI LIFESTYLE 