Hello my lightbulbs,
I hope that you’re doing well. After a reflective and, I suppose, existential post last time; I wanted to write something a little lighter. Maybe update you on the dot-Jess hunt!
Things have been slowly becoming a little clearer, I’m happy to announce. By no means smooth, nor easy, nor necessarily completely positive – but I can say that I’m starting to feel that ever-so-gentle nudge from within. That little voice and little feeling for whom I’ve been searching for months has started to poke out from their hiding place.
There’ve been a few things that I’ve done recently that have encouraged this; HD clarity moments that I recognise were steps in the right direction. I want to share them with you in case you’re feeling out of sorts yourself.
Keeping up with Journalling
I’ve stayed firm in the aphorism – ‘clarity comes in calm waters’ – and tried my best to integrate more moments of stillness in my usually chaotic daily life. This has been quite varied, but my journal has been a pretty consistent ally in my endeavour for tranquillity. I started to nudge myself away from simply repeating thoughts and worries in my journal and welcome, instead, some creativity. I wrote about eating a grapefruit last month, what a strangely-flavoured fruit that is! I also saw a journal prompt that I loved – where you journal your day in different film frames relating to your favourite directors. I had a Tarantino, Anderson, and Wiseman entry the other day that was so fun to write and helped to play around with the different perspectives to view life. Describing my cluttered work desk like a Wes Anderson opening worked surprisingly well.
I’ve also added conversations with students, reflections of gratitude, thoughts about books I’ve been reading and films I’ve watched: all coming to make a much more vibrant journaling experience.
Cultivating Supportive Relationships
Whilst stumbling through the thick fog of individual confusion and anomie – I became aware of figures in my life who acted like tree flags, helping me to orient. After reflecting and trying to manage my classic wave of overwhelming guilt at neglecting these relationships, I decided to pour back in, to cultivate and nurture these supportive and loving relationships. In doing so, I didn’t find anger or reproach – just an openness and… joy… in my company!
Then came wells of wisdom, understanding and perspective that I didn’t know I needed. I started to see myself from the perspectives of these loved ones and, I liked what I saw. It turns out I’m not an evil, selfish monster – nor am I someone deserving of neglect or disrespect. Who’d’ve thought!?
Taking a Trip
Applying the classic novels’ cliché – a lady taking in sea air for a cacophony of maladies – worked! If I wasn’t so pleased with the remedy, I’d probably be lamenting at my predictability.
I took a trip to Scarborough over the half term break. A bit of a random destination, but I felt a pull to be by the sea and I didn’t want to go to a coastline that felt familiar. So, off I popped. My penguin suitcase and many pairs of shoes in the boot – I was ready for anything! I had, just before the trip, treated myself to a lovely blister by running the first 5k I’ve ran in a long while on the treadmill… in brand new trainers. Hence the necessary variety of shoes: my trusty Crocs were employed as a contingency.
I was… a little numb when I got to Scarborough. The drive had been fine, but I felt this deflation when I’d checked in and was exploring. I hadn’t had as much time to plan the trip as I usually would and spent a fair bit of time ambling around – in very cold and windy weather. It didn’t take long for my mood to sour and I returned to my room full of regret. I sat, wrapped in my duvet dithering, questioning why on earth I had thought this would be a good idea.
Instead of guilting myself for feeling bad, I stayed cocooned in the duvet for longer than would usually be comfortable. I allowed wallowing time by watching a film and eating snacks – before beginning my schemes on how to make the next day better. It worked! I woke up nice and early and headed to a café with an amazing view of the coast, and a lovely brekkie!
Then I drove to RSPB Bempton Cliffs, singing and dancing on the way, where I saw so many gannets nesting on the cliff face. I read my book in the visitor centre café before heading back to the room for a change of clothes.
I’d found a forest yoga class in my research the night before, so jumped into some gym gear and headed to Dalby Forest. I got some food beforehand and the yoga class started at 6pm. It was so beautiful. The room was adorned in fairy lights – which I am an absolute moth to. There was soft music playing and the mats were arrange in a circle. The instructor – Kristena – had arranged plants from her garden in the centre to emphasise the seasonality of the session.
It was a ninety minute session, but it felt like twenty minutes. Whilst breathing and switching through poses – Kristena’s words ebbed and flowed in that very yoga-teacher way. She told us that this was the time to plant seeds of intention. That we were coming out of winter and it wasn’t a time for rushing. I felt so comforted by her words that when we lay for savasana, so contented.
After the tinny ding of (what I have recently learned is called) a singing bowl/ standing bell rang – we stretched and twisted ankles and wrists back to life. To my absolute joy and gratitude – cookies and tea were provided! Homemade spiced cookies, I might add. I sat in a blanket, sipping night-time Yogi tea and speaking with an older woman about her time working as a teaching assistant.
After the session finished, I walked through the abyssal dark forest carpark to my car; drove back to the room and spent some time journaling. I felt so much lighter; proud of myself for trying something new, on my own, and for being patient. I managed to sit in the discomfort and numbness that took hold at the start of the trip and gave it the attention it needed.
If you’re feeling a little out of sorts- maybe try one of things we’ve chatted about here. Some other things I’ve found helpful – that I’ll chat about in a future post – are movement, working to shift attitudes to food, and working to make more intentional decisions (moving away from the autopilot people pleasing).
I hope that you’re doing well and that you’re feeling rooted in your sense of self.
Stay Postive.
Love,
Jess x
AKARUI LIFESTYLE 