Hello my little lightbulbs!
A year has passed and so, like Michael Bublé at Christmas, I have risen to grace you all with my presence. My goal was to write to you all sooner than fourteen months… thirteen is still a win, right?
I hope that you’ve been keeping well! How have things been for you this year? Has much changed? Did you do that thing you wanted to? If life has been hard since we last caught up, I hope that you’ve been able to move towards healing and that you haven’t been too hard on yourself. Easier said than done, I know!
I thought I’d hop on and… check in mainly. What a year. Genocide, femicide, oppression and ever-expanding social polarity under the eye of AI overlords. I don’t know if you’ll agree, but do people seem to like each other a little bit less than they did a few years ago?
As someone who overanalyses most conversations in the name of linguistics, and anxiety, I’ve noticed that people are speaking with a lot more declarative than before. There seem to be less grey areas allowed in conversation; this type of person is X, this mindset is Y, this entire culture is Z. I get it, terror will do that to people. Fear of loss and change can push people to become more steadfast in certain ideas. It helps us to feel safe. While I understand why, it’s sad – because so much genuine connection and opportunities for change are getting lost in the leap from black to white thinking. Those connections and opportunities are sitting there, patiently waiting in the nuance.
While the chaos of the world feels like it’s reaching a catastrophic crescendo -there is still light here, there is still love, and there are still countless chances for us to make a difference. I wanted to suggest some ideas that might help you feel a little more in control of life and nudge away from polarised ideas. These are things that I’m trying to do and am finding them useful, I hope you find them useful to!
Assume the best of people
It can be easy to assume that everyone is a horror, especially when it comes to strangers on the street. That person who bumped into you, or the person taking a selfie in the street, or the stranger who didn’t return your ‘good morning’ could all easily be mentally transformed into villains. The bumper is a rude, self-absorbed monster who cares about no one but themselves, the selfie-taker is self-obsessed and shallow, the stranger is ignorant and a symbol of the decline of etiquette in society.
Or…
We could challenge ourselves to assume the best of people. The bumper didn’t judge the space on the pavement properly and felt embarrassed afterwards; the selfie-taker is sending the picture to a loved one overseas or is building confidence from the ground up; the stranger didn’t hear you say good morning or took longer to process than you would have expected.
Is this positive assumption always going to be true? Of course not. Is your negative assumption always true? Of course, not! So why does that one take precedent? If you assume the worst, you let that brief interaction replay in your mind all day and wind you up. Assuming the best reduces the chances of that. A great rule of thumb that I use is – everyone is trying their best in the situations that they’re in.
Do what you love
A happy person is much more grounded than someone who is feeling at a loss with life; and someone grounded is more capable of nurturing community and helping other people. While ‘doing what you love’ probably sounds very floaty and abstract – it means different things for different people.
Doing what you love doesn’t have to mean a major life shift – you don’t need to be moving across the globe or ending your job (unless, of course, you feel that it would benefit you). Doing what you love can look like saving half an hour for yourself at the end of the day, spending time alone, watching the same show for the sixteenth time, being assertive with friends/partners when it comes to planning outings to make sure you get to do what you want. If you don’t know what you love, that’s awesome! It means you get to explore all sorts of different things until you find something(s).
Use therapy strategies
If going to therapy sounds daunting – I get it – you could head to https://www.getselfhelp.co.uk/self-help/ and access their self-help work sheets. They have resources for all sorts of situations – if you struggle with anxiety, depression, stress, eating disorders, or you feel out of control/ overwhelmed when it comes to managing your emotions – there will be something there to help you. I prefer therapy because that means there’s someone there to motivate you, but that isn’t a possibility for everyone.
These kinds of resources can be really helpful when things feel out of control. Gaining an awareness and understanding of how our mind works and why we feel and behave the way that we do is a literal superpower.
Talk… and listen
This seems simple, but isn’t always. A lot of times when we think we’re listening to someone- our mind is elsewhere. Maybe we’re scrolling or gaming while on a phone call, thinking of what we’re going to say next, making weekend plans…willing the other person to stop talking.
Being aware when that’s happening and drawing yourself back to the conversation can be so valuable. There are keys to deeper connection in every conversation. Instead of getting frustrated by a loved one’s repeated story or comment, try listening and questioning – why does this keep coming up? Is there something else going on here? What questions can I ask to find out more?
It isn’t always easy. Especially when you’re tired or frustrated. But, just like meditation, this is the perfect time to practice this! It helps your relationships to get a little bit deeper, can grant you perspectives that you otherwise wouldn’t have, and it helps you to be a better friend/ parent/ child/ partner!
Push your limits
When things seem dire, it’s natural for us to create a metaphorical nest and hide away. We nestle into our comfort zones and intend to stay there. While the comfort zone is an essential place for us to rest- it’s not meant to be a permanent location. Eventually, we can insulate our comfort zones so much that any bad thoughts or limiting beliefs can get trapped in there with us. The heat of our insulated comfort zones helps those thoughts and beliefs to get bigger and to nestle deeper and deeper.
It’s good to get out from time to time; to challenge those thoughts and beliefs and prove to them that we are capable of more than we’re giving ourselves credit for. This is going to be very specific to each person. It can relate to relationships, career, parenthood, physical goals or even views about our own values and morals. Pushing your limits helps you to build your confidence. It also offers you appreciation for how amazing other people are, because we rarely push our limits alone.
To give you an example, I recently climbed Ben Nevis – woo! It was a goal I had on my vision board in 2024 and didn’t manage to accomplish. I put it onto 2025’s board and made plans to get it done this year. Since I originally set the goal, my fitness had taken somewhat of a backseat while I prioritised my career and relationships.
Needless to say, when I set the date to climb Ben Nevis- I became very very scared! All of those beliefs crept in to tell me that I wouldn’t be able to do it, that I’d look like an idiot if I tried. But, I did it! And while proving my own limiting beliefs wrong, I also looked around and saw how many other people were doing it too. People who were much older, much younger, people who were injured, who seemed more fit and less fit than me. They were all giving it a go, cheering each other on, and having a good ol’ British moan on the way up. It was so beautiful to take a step outside of my own mind and catch a glimpse of humanity and community.
When I reflected on this, I reminded myself that I didn’t need to climb a mountain to find that. I could look around and see it everywhere. Someone chasing a guy down the street to return his sunglasses that he’d left in a coffee shop, a kind woman in the café of my run-down hometown telling my grandma she looks great, a kid sprinting down the street in a little red cape, people stopping at the docks to hold hands and watch the sunset, people donating money and time to help strangers across the world trying to survive military barrage and starvation.
People, on the whole, are bloody brilliant. It can be easy to forget when we listen to the rhetoric or take a bad experience and apply it to the whole world. I strongly believe that seeing the world in this way helps us to be even more brilliant too. We’re more open to listening, understanding, and supporting each other.
With that in mind, I’d love to hear some positive stories; things that you’ve seen or conversations you’ve had that have left you smiling.
I’ll end today’s blog with one of mine.
When I was a uni student, there was a road I’d use to get to the motorway for my commute. The road had a tricky junction and it was hard to see oncoming traffic. In front of the junction was a bench. One time, there was an older guy sitting on the bench, wearing a Panama hat. He saw I was struggling and looked both ways on the road, waving to me that it was safe to pull out. I mouthed thank you from the window and drove on, feeling very grateful.
A couple of weeks later, I drove past that bench and saw Panama guy sat there. I was so excited, I waved and he pointed at me and smiled. This went on until I left for Japan in 2018. When I got back, I ended up driving past again, in a different car, and – once again – Panama guy was there. I waved, he pointed and smiled.
I drove past that bench yesterday – about nine years since our first meeting. He was there – a little more wrinkled and his hat a little more worn. I lit up with excitement and maniacally waved at him. He saw, squinted, and as soon as he realised it was me, pointed and smiled.
Stay Positive.
Love,
Jess
AKARUI LIFESTYLE 