3 months into 2019, almost 9 months into JET. and oh my god time is flying! I’m glad to report that so far this year I’ve been really happy.
Since last year my self awareness and confidence have been gradually growing and I’ve become more and more in touch with how I’m feeling.
I’m motivated, active and grateful, even when I’m chasing sleep. I catch myself smiling a LOT throughout the day and I can feel a burning desire to create in any way I can- through writing, drawing, even through music (which is a very new venture for me).
I’m not saying that I’ve been skipping through the mountains of my rural mountain town singing about rainbows. Not yet anyway.
There are still tough days.
Having elementary school children screaming ‘shut up fuck you’ is always going to knock you back (even if it is absolutely hilarious) and there are still times when those murmered ‘めんどくさい’s (mendokusai or troublesome) drifting over my veggie food can get a little grating.
All the clichés are right though. Mindset and perspective really do make all the difference.
When I’ve had a shit day, instead of deciding that the world is a cruel, cold place void of all happiness I just accept the feelings and go with it, knowing that long-term I’m still happy and that the feeling is going to pass.
Some days are harder than others, but there’s definitely progress!
I’m becoming more clear on the kind of woman that I want to be too. Rather than using other women as an example I’ve drawn those traits from myself like, which traits do I need to manage and which do I nurture?
I was recently reminded (thanks Star Trek) of a quote from Michaelangelo. He said that the sculpture is always complete within the block of marble, stone or clay and all he had to do is chisel away the excess and discover it.
So chipping away the traits and features that I don’t like, as well as smoothing over the features that I do, has really been working.
The beauty of this idea increases with the acceptance that I haven’t reached that complete structure yet and honestly I never will. There’s truth in the knowledge that at every stage, even as a premature blob of clay, I’m a complete piece of art.
Do my legs jiggle when I’m running? Yes.
Does my own voice annoy me at times? Of course.
Do I sound like a dying cat singing on karaoke? Maybe; but think ‘My Best Friend’s Wedding’; the things that you aren’t good at are just as important to who you are and, most of the time, they’re the traits that people fall in love with.
My biggest slip up at the minute is with my appearance. I am fully aware that I’m too harsh on myself and I’d never insult anyone else in the way I do to myself.
The good thing is that I’m aware of it. I feel guilty every time I call myself a fat troll or say that I look like a block of tofu or whatever random, if not impressively inventive, description I can muster.
I know that slowly but surely, even if the name-calling continues, the shame and disgust behind the words will fade away.
For anyone in the same boat;
People are never as bothered about you as you are, so don’t worry.
You can’t control people’s thoughts and owning your actions, good or bad, shows a lot of character and like it or not, people will accept that.No matter what your flaws your imperfections are the cogs that fit perfectly together to make you who you are.
You’ve seen it all over Instagram but it’s true, make yourself your best friend and the world becomes technicolor.
I will never be perfect, I’ve always been perfect and I’m happy with that.