Hello my little lightbulbs!
How are we?
I’m back again after voyaging overwork, unsteady self-esteem, growing digital fatigue, and paralysing perfectionism. You can imagine me standing arms outstretched with a quivering giant toothy grin as you read that. I hope that your transition from spring to summer was a gradual one and that you’re enjoying all of that free vitamin D (safely of course, from behind a forcefield of factor 50). Mine has been a time of uncertainty with cheeky serving of stress, but what’s new eh?
I decided that now, on Sunday evening; as I maniacally plan my meals, fitness, work and life to-do lists for the week and battle overwhelm; that I want to write. Even if what I write isn’t beautiful, contemplative, and life-changing – I want to write.
Coming to that decision was a lovely little lightbulb moment for me. I’ve been journaling about and seeking advice around perfectionism lately as I’ve found myself frozen in multiple areas of my life due to fear of not being good enough.
‘What if I try it and fail?’
‘If I make a mistake people may not like me anymore.’
‘What if people see ‘the real me’ and are disappointed?’
‘What if there’s a spelling or grammar error in the blog post?’
The hard part of this perfectionism is that it doesn’t come as clearly as those phrases I wrote. Instead, it’s often a thick blanket of overwhelm plunged overhead. It blocks logic and reason and instead, all I can think about is the growing heat under that blanket and how much I want to get out of that situation. Naturally, I do. If I get overwhelmed with work – I start doing errands or to-do-listing or (if it’s really bad) cleaning.
Gradually, I tried to use that ‘avoiding the blanket of overwhelm’ time in a productive way – by speaking to people about it and watching YouTube videos about the topic. Here’s what I’ve encountered and what I’ve been pondering lately. If you’re struggling with something similar – I hope it helps!
The ‘F*ck Up’ Philosophy
This video was suggested by the algorithm, because no one knows you better than your phone, right?
The basics of this philosophy is that you actively aim for the worst-case scenario as a means to combat perfectionism. The goal is to plan out, or actual complete, a task you need to do in the most counterintuitive, disastrous way possible. While at first, I felt like this would be a click-baity method with little value – as I carried on watching, I realised how wrong I was (very fitting to the topic really).
This theory works alongside exposure therapy- helping your anxious ‘what if’ thoughts to run their cause. For example – if I applied this to a lesson I was planning, I may allow myself 25 minutes to plan THE worst lesson I possibly could. Maybe there would be no lesson at all, maybe I’d schedule a cheeky k-drama session to catch up during work’s time. Whatever I decided to plan (and only plan. I, of course, don’t watch k-dramas during lesson time!) would be allowing my anxious thoughts to become creative thoughts. After my destructive 25 minutes was over, I could get on to actually planning a productive lesson that would most definitely be better than my original plan.
‘You are not a cyborg, Jess’
Phrases like this and other variants (swapping out cyborg with robot, Superwoman or any other extremely cool title) are directed at me quite frequently. And while I’d like to say hearing them works as a source of comfort for me – it instead makes me sad and frustrated. I’m not yet at the stage where ‘I’m only human’ (brownie points if you read that in Christina Perri’s voice) acts as a phrase of comfort. I don’t want to settle. I want to be better. I want to improve. I want to be capable of the things that I once was and more. And therein lies my perfectionism root. If, like me, you strive for perfectionism to the point where nothing you do feels good enough, ask yourself what is good enough? And how long could that, realistically, last?
So, while these phrases don’t work as a plaster to soothe me instantly, they too have their purpose. They help me to realise that there’s a reason I’m putting so much pressure on myself and that reason is something that, for both good and bad, needs addressing.
Sitting in gratitude
This method is an oldie but goldie. It’s one that I lean on heavily in times of difficulty and has been a part of my journaling artillery since the start of its creation. If you find yourself in a place of lack, of overwhelm, of inadequacy – sit in gratitude. Count the things that you’re grateful for.
So, right before I started writing this, I did my to-do lists and before that was a list of gratitude. It was my birthday on Wednesday 21st (you can pop that in your diary for next year) and I was writing a list of all the things I was grateful for about my birthday; cards, presents, messages, company, the amazing weather, etc. Writing this helped me to recalibrate. It changed the narrative. Instead of arguing with myself about if I was good enough or not, the conversation as a whole became irrelevant. Instead, I was thinking about the abundance of goodness in my life, how many amazing people I know and love, how beautiful the world can become when you just shift your focus a little.
As I say, this post was a speedy one. It won’t be perfect – but I think that’s alright – and I’m proud of myself for having the bravery to post regardless. I hope that this ramble serves you in some way, and I hope to speak to you guys again sooner rather than later.
Stay Positive.
Love,
Jess x
AKARUI LIFESTYLE 